What Does Sorry Mean?

What does it mean you are sorry? I believe my actions speak louder than words, and my actions speak volumes. I have never lost focus on keeping my word. I promised to pay back everything I borrowed from the Small Business Administration (SBA).

I am not willing to compromise my moral compass to save a few bucks. I borrowed money, I made a promise to pay my debts, and God willing I will keep my word. I may be forced to pay a heavy price for my mistake, including incarceration, but an added misdeed on my part doesn’t solve anything. In fact, I believe it would make the world a truly rotten place. The only thing I can do is let my actions speak louder than words by paying my debt. It is truly that simple.

Is there a blessing in the wreckage of my once thriving business? My personal belief that a man should always pay his debt is the reason my wife is proud. She found joy in it. Don’t misinterpret my description of her joy, my wife is stressed to the breaking point same as me, her joy is seeing the man she married doing what he believes is right under severe duress. I paid my debt without complaint.

I have learned it is intoxicating to a woman to share in the masculinity of her man. The arguments are a little easier, the love deeper, the connection indescribable, and we walk hand-in-hand with purposeful resolve. There is nothing more important than our marriage to this woman. The secret is simple – I kept my word. I will take the little miracles where I can find them, even when I’m under the microscope of a criminal investigation.

My wife accepted my apology and forgave me, my family too. My business associates and most of my tenants accepted my apology and forgave my mistake also. Many came forward to help me. This is the reaction I received from real flesh and blood people, whom have a genuine capacity to feel and forgive. As to the State, I suspect the federal government will have a hardened heart and may act vengefully.

There is no flesh and blood to share commonality with the federal government. How do I apologize to the 3.7 million small businesses that I deprived of Economic Injury Disaster Loans (EIDL), especially since the EIDL loan program was fully funded and available at the SBA during all of this? A small business owner needed only apply for EIDL.

The only way to answer the question, ‘What does it mean you are sorry,’ is through contrition and the act of recompense. Over the years I have learned that words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words! I paid back everything I borrowed from the SBA before my sentencing hearing. I made the federal government whole, and while its pursuit of incarceration seems vengeful, my actions represent a man who feels contrition and a duty to pay recompense. There is nothing more I can do except focus my energy on what really matters, “Saving my marriage!”

This week’s marriage mitigation exercise became a study in the Rudyard Kipling poem that I shared in my blog post, ‘Am I likely to Repeat this Behavior?’ Kipling’s poem is directly related to the question, ‘What does it mean you are sorry?’

My wife read the first stanza, ‘If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you,’ and asked me, “How does this apply to you?”

I knew the answer instantly, “I always try to do what’s right. The SBA could have resolved everything with a simple phone call. I think it’s treacherous the federal government can destroy the economy, offer aid and inducement, fund my loans and then prosecute me. They could have denied my loans. The federal government can blame, judge and incarcerate me. Ultimately, I took the loans and so I paid it back as quickly as possible to make the SBA whole before sentencing.”

She nodded agreement and read the next line, ‘If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too,’ then asked me, “How does this describe you?”

I replied, “I live by these words. I buy houses to rehab, rentals and vacation units to make a profit. It’s a big risk, and I trust my instincts to make it work. It’s the same in court. The prosecution presumes I’m lying even though they never interviewed me face-to-face. I hope the judge will recognize my contrition and recompense. I made the government whole, and I’ve tried to do the right thing while staring down the barrel of incarceration.”

She read the next line in the poem, ‘If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, or being hated, don’t give way to hating, and yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise,’ and she asked me, “Does this describe you?”

I said, “I am patient. I’ll wait as long as it takes to find the right deal in my work. I struggle with my naïve trust of government because I believe ‘I have nothing to hide,’ but they violate every bit of privacy a person should have a right to expect. I fully cooperated, but the investigators and prosecutor presume I’m a liar. I understand people doing their type of job will become cynical, and I have a hard time hating them because I struggle as a landlord staying positive about tenants. The fairy tale I love most as a landlord is, ‘The check is in the mail.’ I worry about the outcome though. This process is destructive, and I wonder if rehabilitation is their genuine goal.”

We continued the Q&A throughout the week, and it filled our days with a little happiness. The fact remains I borrowed money from the SBA and the debt is mine. I refuse to let myself go to prison while owing money to the same government that wants to incarcerate me. It’s a little Machiavellian for my taste. I liquidated my life’s work to pay restitution. I believe my actions speak to the remorse I feel and reflect my attitude of sorrow. I believe my recompense is demonstrated by paying full restitution. I believe my marriage will benefit from our marriage mitigation efforts. Finally, I will say to the Judge, “I am sorry.”