The Elephant And Baseball Bat

To say that I’ll always be positive when communicating with my wife is very Pollyanna. It’s a nice goal that is meant more of a reminder for me not to complain to her. I crave knowing she and everyone at home is alright. I love it when I call and can hear them in the car coming home from the bookstore. It comforts me to hear sounds of everyday normal life.

I know my wife can run the household, take care of business, and care for her parents. The things I do, I showed her how to do before I left for prison. I know it wasn’t everything and she’ll figure it out. Then the thoughts creep in like; I wonder will I have a place when I come home? Of course, I will. But it feels like I am being replaced by not being there. I should be the one taking care of everything and working.

My wife’s concern for me before I left has been my mental attitude. Will I make the most of my time? Will I be positive and look for the silver lining? Or will I be negative and live as a victim? She knows that I have done everything and stepped up to take responsibility. We talked about the Jews in the Nazi concentration camps who didn’t survive. The men who identified their self-worth through their occupation were the ones who died early after being sent to the camp. She is concerned for my state of mind and rightly so; she wants me to thrive, behave, and get out. I am making the best use of my time here to improve myself and work on our marriage.

Before I left, each of us wanted to reassure the other we are strong and will survive by doing what we have to do. Now that we have been apart for two months, we finally discussed the feelings that neither one of us wanted to admit to having. The thoughts are random, with no announcement or forewarning. The thoughts enter suddenly and leave us feeling like a baseball bat hit us upside our head. Of course, we recognize the thought instantly, and it takes 5-30 minutes to chase the loneliness and depression away.

The policy we agreed upon is that we would always be positive and not crap out the other person. It’s like the rule we have when we go out to eat as a family. We make a policy of not complaining if the food is bad, especially when we can tell if someone else likes it. You go out to eat to enjoy the company of everyone there. Why ruin the enjoyment of community?

Each of us has adjusted to our new situation and is working on new routines. She is journaling to help keep her sanity and, of course, kickboxing is high on her list of things to do. (Should I be afraid when I come home?) I’m walking, losing weight, writing letters and book reports, journaling, and attending AA.

The tough part of staying connected is having a conversation with your spouse when all calls are recorded. It doesn’t help that I don’t hear well; so I call when it’s quiet, but I have no control over the guys yelling down the hall or the loudspeaker announcements that magically come on whenever I’m on the phone. Then the phone call is interrupted twice with a recorded message, “This call is from a federal prison….” The minutes fly by fast on the phone.

Our souls have been ripped in half by opposing elephants. It’s not easy living with half a soul. To thrive, we are supposed to live life together, not apart. My time here is temporary and we are making the best of it. Now that we have talked about the elephant in the room, it’s a little easier.