The Buck Stops with Me - Responsibility

Have I accepted responsibility for my wrong-doing, and to what extent? I started early in the morning with a cup of coffee watching the sun rise wondering how I could integrate this question into building a happier marriage? I am usually very pragmatic, make business decisions based upon quantifiable empirical valuations, but this question requires a psychoanalytical fuzzy math approach. How do I quantify responsibility?

I finished my last sip of coffee as the sun peaked over the horizon and whispered into my cup, “I ran a successful business all these years and never made excuses. Why should this be any different? I made the business decision to apply for SBA funding, and I accept full responsibility for my actions without excuse.” It felt good to say it out loud.

I tried to save my business interests, and failed on a monumental scale. It’s my responsibility. I set aside my personal feelings, put on my big boy pants and got on with the business of making this right. I wrote it down on paper: I accept full and complete responsibility for not accurately reporting my financial information on my loan applications to the SBA, that other worthy business owners were deprived of the opportunity to secure SBA funding, and that I harmed our federal government and fellow taxpayers. What are the measurable steps I can take to make this right and demonstrate that I’m a responsible person?

First, I decided to cooperate with the government. I negotiated a plea agreement. I liquidated my business interests to raise capital so I could pay my restitution before sentencing. I pled guilty in accordance with the terms of the plea agreement, and I accepted responsibility for my actions in open court. In my effort to alleviate the burden I caused on the court, I instructed my counsel to retain an expert that could facilitate the payoff of my SBA loans in a timely manner. I began a crash course in developing a sentencing mitigation strategy. I am learning all I can about the Bureau of Prisons and life behind bars so I can have a better chance of being viewed as a model prisoner if incarceration is in my future. I am developing this blog to stay connected with my wife in the dark days ahead. I am attacking my alcohol addiction with vigor. I have devoted my energy to the full-time assisted living care that my In-laws need, and I’m taking advantage of the opportunity to say my goodbyes because I probably won’t see them alive again if I go to prison. I continue to write about my feelings in my journal so I can stay sane in a crazy post-pandemic world. Most importantly, I am adapting the sentence mitigation techniques I’m learning about to save my marriage.

When my wife and I sat down to talk about the blog she read the question and looked at me with an expression of interest. I said, “I take complete ownership of my actions, I offer no excuses because there are no excuses for my actions, and I accept full responsibility for my behavior.” The flavor of the words were simultaneously explosive and deflating, but she knew where I was going with this. In my business dealings I always accept responsibility for my actions and never make excuses. I do not have the benefit of blaming somebody else because I’m the small business owner that runs the show. The proverbial buck stops with me; who else can I blame? Nobody! I will own the fact that I’m a felon. Denial is strangely comfortable to wear, but a deceiver. I prefer to attack problems straight forward.

The process of identifying the victims I harmed has been an arduous task. I do not have the benefit of being able to look a victim in the eyes and offering a heartfelt apology. My victim is the federal government. Who in the federal government should I offer my apology? I can only apologize to the court. I have gone from trying to protect my business from the economic destruction caused by the pandemic, to accepting responsibility for illegally borrowing money from the SBA. I’ve done what I can to make it right.

I paid back the money I borrowed from the government. It is the only meaningful recompense I can offer, and I completely accept responsibility for my actions. I have prepared myself for the harsh reality and consequences.

The question of, “Have I accepted responsibility for my wrong-doing,” has been the fuel for a week of intense conversation with the woman I love. It’s been emotional, real, strategic, purposeful, everything during the week has been intensified, both the good and bad moments, but we mitigated the week together. Our shared energy is a natural high even when thinking and talking about this unpleasant subject. I caught myself thinking, “I’m actually looking forward to the next question.” I had to shake it off, it’s not exactly the right emotion to experience when facing incarceration.