Keeping Your Marriage Alive While In Prison

An inmate asked me how he could keep his marriage alive. I told him to keep his fly zipped and always put his wife first. He couldn’t understand how that would fix his relationship, and I admitted it wouldn’t fix the past, but only guide his future. He was looking for a quick fix.

I asked him to describe how he loves his wife. He said he wanted to stay married and did not like the idea of starting over. I agreed that would be tough, and I asked if he would die to save his wife. His masculinity forced him to answer, “Of course, I would!” I agreed with him and simply said, “Does she know it too?” He thought a long minute, shrugged his shoulders, and finally asked me how I stayed married. I simply said, “She’s the only thing I think about and it animates everything I do.” He was dumbfounded by the simplicity of my statement and recognized that my words were genuine.

I did not let a day pass without writing home. I was disciplined about my daily email and phone calls. I was unambiguous, open, and notorious about my desire to be married, and I made my intention abundantly clear to my wife. She shared my passion, drive, and desire, and frankly expected nothing less from her man. I would not let her down, no matter the circumstance.

Paulo Coelho describes it better than most in By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept: “I have been in love before. It’s like a narcotic. At first, it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes then forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love.” If some good can come from this experience with the BOP and the American legal system, I pray to God that incarcerated men can learn the secret of living abundantly, as Paulo Coelho describes so eloquently.