How to Make Things Right

What steps have I taken to make things right? At first, I struggled with how to express contrition and demonstrate recompense in a victimless crime; ultimately, I came to the conclusion that paying back the money I borrowed from the Small Business Administration (SBA) was the only measurable act of recompense available to me. Making the federal government whole before sentencing would also exhibit my genuine regret and remorse. I liquidated my assets and paid my restitution in full. I believe actions speak louder than words, and my purposeful act of recompense has become the catalyst for saving my marriage of twenty-nine years.

I have always held the naïve notion that a citizen should be confident in trusting the institutions of government. Law abiding citizens are plagued by the ‘I have nothing to hide’ syndrome. I didn’t think twice about speaking with Secret Service when they conducted an unannounced sting operation against my wife.

The Secret Service didn’t bother calling me directly, but had my wife call me and take over the phone conversation while she listened to the conversation in horror. I recall my natural inclination was to presume the agents were professional, responsible for safeguarding the rights of the individual, and I had a duty to cooperate. It never occurred to me to ask, “Why didn’t Secret Service pick up the phone and call me directly, and why are they asking me about my loans with the SBA, isn’t that the job of an SBA loan officer?”

Part of the ‘I have nothing to hide’ syndrome is the mistaken belief that a person will be afforded the presumption of innocence and given the benefit of the doubt by authorities. That has not been my experience, and I have come to understand my naïve belief that ‘I have nothing to hide’ will be used against me. I must salvage what I can, learn how to survive the justice system, conquer my alcohol addiction and restore my marriage.

The Coronavirus emergency loan program offered by the SBA was bungled by a lack of information, delays and uncertainty surrounding the loan process. I never realized how harsh the United States legal system is, but ‘ignorance of the law is no excuse,’ and I’ve always been an eager participant in the past. I regret borrowing money from the SBA, but I had to answer the question, “What steps have I taken to make things right?”

I began from the perspective that I would have nothing left if I sold everything, it would cause a terrible financial burden and jeopardize my relationship. I was right about the financial burden, but misjudged the strength of my relationship. I didn’t understand how my wife found value and inspiration in my actions. We’ve cut expenses, my wife became the primary bread winner, I became the primary care giver for our parents, and she is proud of me. I asked her, “It’s counter intuitive. I sold our primary source of income because I landed on the wrong side of the law with the SBA, and you’re beaming with pride?”

She was intentional, “You’re a good man,” is all she would say.

Next, I retained expert counsel for the sole purpose of administering the payoff of my SBA loans. I feel strongly that a person should always pay his debts, I do not abide being a burden on others, and I do not like being a burden on the court. I hold the intricate knowledge of my business operations, and I’m in the best position to effect change. The prosecutor may not trust me, but it cannot reasonably refuse to trust the financial expert I hired. And now my marriage.

My wife is happy with me. To be clear, she is NOT happy about her husband being a convicted felon, but she holds my response to this adversity in high esteem. I had to say, “Am I on the right path?”

She already knew what to say, “Let them judge you anyway they want. You always try to do the right thing. We’ll walk in faith like always, pray like always and enjoy the occasional miracle God throws our way. I think you should continue serving others. I agree you should payoff everything. You’re approach to life hasn’t changed, and I am grateful for that.” I kept working towards the goal of making things right.

I wrote a letter to the judge describing my personal history. I thought long and hard about this mitigation strategy, and came to the conclusion that the judge didn’t know anything about me. The only information the judge had was provided by the prosecution, and it would likely be construed in a negative light. The only way to counter this prosecutorial bias was to write a letter to the judge describing my background. I learned something surprising, my wife actually cherishes the letter I wrote to the judge.

I decided character reference letters would be a good idea too. I was hesitant to share my troubles, but it dawned on me that I’m always amiable to the idea of helping others and now it’s my turn. I was worried the judge may not be interested in my story at all, so brevity was my key motivator. I decided to ask people I have known for a decade or better, and I asked them to write their opinion on a single page. I used my best five reference letters.

My wife and I were overwhelmed with how people were willing to help me. My wife found great comfort from reading their letters. I was not aware of the affection other people felt towards me, and I am humbled by their selfless desire to aid in my time of need. It was unexpected, and wonderfully reassuring that I am important to these people. I told my wife, “I am a blessed man,” and she agreed with her typical ‘I told you so’ nod. How strange to associate the criminal justice system with positive influences in my life. We’ve been struggling the last few weeks in our marriage mitigation venture, but this week proved to be an uplifting experience.