Controlling My Attitude & the Pain

When I asked my wife, “What is a fit punishment,” and “Who will be harmed or protected by incarceration,” these questions left us frustrated and angry. I never imagined the turmoil it would cause in our relationship, but down the rabbit hole of ‘unproductive struggles’ we went. Mitigating our marriage has been more painful these last few weeks. It started when I tried to defend my personally held belief that the federal government is the neutral engine citizens use to uphold contracts and ensure public safety. That’s what I was taught, many decades ago, in my civics classroom at school, but it seems folly in the wake of surrender to the ‘Nanny State.’

I could not reconcile the carnage caused during the Coronavirus pandemic. I’ve come to realize that the federal government is self-serving, failed to keep us safe during the pandemic and has become the largest guaranteed employer for what is commonly called the ‘Ruling Class.’ The federal government coward while many of our communities were burned to the ground during the chaos created by the Covid-19 pandemic, and instead of safeguarding commerce it became the lender of last resort while forcibly preventing free trade amongst its citizens.

I recognize the pandemic is real, the virus deadly, the vaccine a godsend, and the federal government deserves credit for its vaccine efforts, but when does the cure become deadlier than the disease? I have been a productive citizen my entire life, but I have come to despise the administrative state. I recognize this attitude does not advance the goal of mitigating my sentence and marriage, but the anger has a righteous flavor. That’s the problem with anger, is feels good but harms every time.

My wife cares about mercy, saving her marriage and taking care of her parents, not my righteous indignation. She is smart, and I’d be foolish not to listen. I’ve been struggling with the value proposition of using the criminal justice system to mitigate my frayed marriage. My anger has been a roadblock, I made my wife angry also, but my marriage mitigation efforts are paying a dividend. This is how we recovered our mitigation efforts:

I took my wife for a drive along the Verde River and parked at the river edge below Bartlett Dam. I prepared ham sandwiches and apples for our picnic, and I handed a stack of news articles to her about the federal government’s response to the Coronavirus chaos. When she finished reading, I gave this unfinished blog to her. I had written the first four paragraphs. She asked, “How does it end?” I shrugged my shoulders and asked, “I feel like my citizenship has no value, and I wonder if I can be patriotic when I distrust the federal government so much?”

I began to understand the depth of her pain. She said, “The way they treated us like criminals for trying to save the business is awful. The Secret Service lied to my face pretending to be a new client, and then said I would have run if they told the truth. I don’t run from the law! They presumed I was bad before meeting me. Is that what our law enforcement does? I’ve always done the right thing, and so have you, but they lie to my face and then say they’re just doing their job. Are they going to lie in court, and then say it’s in the name of justice? They let entire cities burn to the ground, people were murdered while police stood by, business owners were beaten in broad daylight trying to protect their businesses, and they let the criminals out the next day to start all over again. They didn’t have the courage to keep us safe, but they’re proud to protect society from a guy like you. You wouldn’t hurt a fly, but according to them society will be better off with you in prison.”

I was crushed and unsettled by her raw emotion. She felt betrayed, and I didn’t want to make things worse, “If it gives them power, I think bureaucrats and the media will continue to poison our society, paint wrong as right, say up is down, and describe this country’s founding principles as sorcery. Man is fallible, and people in government are fallible too. I worry about being persecuted for trying to save my business, but I think saving our marriage is more important than losing faith in big government. If they want to rule over burned out cities then being a citizen is worthless. What we can do is protect our marriage, and I think our marriage mitigation strategy is working.” My wife agreed.

It’s been difficult the past few weeks, but the picnic put our marriage mitigation effort back on track. I am hopeful the next week will go well, and I hope we can continue in a positive direction from here. I have my fingers crossed.